Isolation

We've been in Scotland for three weeks now, which isn't a very long time especially with how busy we've been since we arrived.  But, somehow today . . . and yesterday,  I'm feeling like we've been stuck in a lovely glass globe of Scotland, floating through a black infinity of limbo.  Bouncing around the darkness, pretty and bright though our bubble is, but never popping and landing somewhere.  

I've been feeling tense and angry with the children, so angry.  And isolated, not because we are living far out in the countryside right now, I love the serenity of the countryside, but isolated because this little cottage, though comfortable, is not my home.  And right now I have no home.  And all of the other places that have been home in my life are so far away.  And eggs taste different here, and bacon isn't bacon, there are no corn tortillas, the baking cocoa isn't in the baking goods isle but the eggs are,  Jude broke a glass this morning and Logan broke the curtain hooks in their room, Arden keeps wetting her underwear and bullying everybody, the dryers here take like three hours to fully dry eight pieces of clothing ( but I am so grateful that there is a dryer!) and my stomach is so blubbery but I can't stop having cocoa and toast for breakfast  . . .and then when I look around myself for some kind of relief from the tension in my head all I see are the children (running through the halls making wild noises and waving the walking sticks that I've told them a hundred times now are not for sword fighting in the house with) or I see the cows and the sheep.  The last couple of days I've chosen the cows.

It will get better.  August will bring us a pop! and light us down into a charming little place we can ground ourselves in and make a home.  And I'm not complaining; I'm no where close to miserable.  I don't regret being here, but this is the truth for today.  

This is how I've been handling the last two days:

Yesterday, when Jon came home I kissed him then told him I needed a break and went in sat in the car with the windows rolled down. He understood.  After about an hour I realized the kids needed a break as much as I did, after all they had been in this limbo too.  So, even though it was eight o'clock in the evening, I got them in the car and we went to the park.

Also, the kids have been watching a lot of movies. Today, somewhere between Despicable Me, How to Train Your Dragon and Lady and the Tramp  I hid in a hot bath. I wasn't intentionally hiding exactly, but when Arden came whining full force trying to hunt me down and bypassed the closed shower curtain, I'm not gonna lie, I sighed with relief and smiled to myself in victory.